First Rate Town
We open to a very lost but well dressed Esfand on his phone… Hosting the show as commentary as two of the Big 3; Markiplier (ahead of his new film Iron Lung) and JackSepticEye (who just raised $10M for World Central Kitchen on Christmas) along with local MoistCritical (Charlie), Amouranth, Wade Plemons, Chills, and more. Charlie looking short as ever. I really love all the technical difficulties in this first hour. Apparently they are also supporting 14 different charities throughout this event, that’s crazy.
Graham Stephen is back as commentator as if he retired (lmao) and somehow he looks bigger than last year. Just by a bit. Michael Reeves is also back just with a bit of brain damage. James (Odd1sOut) also cameos for a moment to recount his loss. He does callout Anthony Padilla to a fight.
It’s amazing looking to see a boxing crowd that is so young because of the creators.
“I’m feeling particularly silly tonight,” Charlie says just as we begin.
Jack Manifold v “Poppy Smurf” Dakota Olave; the Many Folds of Pain
From Jack, we learn that he really liked training for the boxing but never has done it. The blue haired Dakota has fought once last year (in a different event) and is ready again. The popular vote is for Dakota to win at a mid diff.
The English Jack comes out dressed in a top hat, bow tie, and British flag, a poor imitation of the Marvel character Union Jack. He recognizes Dakota to look just like Ninja (Fortnite). Unfortunately, he also blasts our ears with the British anthem, gross. Dakota plays, somehow, an even worse song but maybe that’s the acoustics. Jack is a Minecrafter so he gets an athleticism nerf while Dakota’s skating may in fact help.
With each round, they collided at each other equally although Jack always had an edge for aggression and fury. The many folds of Jack include how he’d sometimes trap Dakota’s punches in his body/arm before punishing him for a moment. He did have one consistent jab that he button mashed through the whole thing, so much so that Dakota’s punch told him it was so easy that it was only one punch. For Dakota, he was weaker in the earlier rounds in terms of actually attacking but in later rounds he adapted with weaving and ducking along with counter jabs. They would double jab repeatedly in 3 and 4 but since Dakota stayed further away, he didn’t have to deal with the vice grip. Even after suffering a nosebleed, Jack still just had more energy and fury in the fight although they were both gassed by the second round. Dakota also suffered from several against-the-rope tortures but had good accuracy in pushing out of those moments. The 5th, he didn’t get to touch Dakota as much as he wanted since the main kept switching between offense and defense, so he ended the match with a desperate wide grab before a Scottish Fold-, Welsh Fold-, English Fold, “Manifold Union Jack!”
From the judges, they unanimously voted the victory on Jack Manifold. His charity supports research of sarcoma, a cancer that Technoblade died from recently.
Jaelaray v “Minnie Mouse” Abelina Sabrina; No Hands Barred
I just have to say, Mark does not need to bring up how the female fights last year were ‘also’ exciting. This isn’t basketball (where the female division sucks at getting viewers) its fun to watch anyone get beat up. For Jaelaray, she would like to represent women and this experience while the bubbly Sabrina is confident in the oncoming match. According to the popular vote, it looks like Sabrina would win extreme diff.
In the Esfand interview, Jae is actually so goddamn focused on the fight that her answers make Esfand feel completely awkward, LMAO. Jae does come from Kansas giving her a buff on the chaos stat but hopefully Sabrina’s charm ability cancels that out. Jae also plays League so that’s an increase on the chaos stat modified by lunacy.
Jae comes out dressed in black and red with posters of Sabrina to beat up. Sabrina comes out played by a live mariachi band wearing a blue floral robe, head butting Reeves, and I feel like she nearly tired herself out.
It is crazy the amount of special meter moves the two used on each other. How much mana were they getting from regular punches? Jae literally starts with the Tornado Alley, a flurry of punches beating Sab against the ropes. This startles the girl who almost fully trips over. Sab stays cheery throughout each round, hopping back and forth and flanking Jae time after time. Unfortunately, Jae is just fast enough to react to each flake and since she stayed on the inside, she had the time to charge up punches, block a flank, and strong counter. In one moment of the first round, Sab is trapped on the rope as Jae delivers 8 Rangers, my name for her strong straights that connect. Funny enough, Sab’s response is too keep her arms up but not for defense, rather to strike back at the same time Jae is striking her. This would cause them to just clobber each other until they both gassed out and collapsed on each other. The ref then had to actually separate them. Sab also likes to use instant forward smashes as they may do some damage while (introduced in the second round) her special Minnie Gun (a flurry of straight jabs usually to body) was completely shrugged off by Jae. Then Jae releases another Tornado Alley which Sabrina punches through and they take half a lap like this against the rope. Then they collapse. I guess I should also point out, Jae also doesn’t block her head whenever they tussle like this. She does become more reserved though, following Sab around to give maybe one punch while dodging all of her punches, but all of this only to suffer a good forward smash from Sabrina. To end the round, they trade heavy blows. In the third round, Jae introduced the Jayhawk, a slow long punch against the side of the target to scaffhold them and allowed her to connect a stronger punch. Sab was so hoppy though that both parts of the attack would kinda miss while Sab just struck back. It wasn’t useless though as it trapped Sab against the rope just so they could demolish each other before collapsing one more time. Jae tries the Buttermaker, holding Sab’s head while she punches just one (1) side. Sabrina’s instincts are incurably smart as she uses this chance to beat both (2) of Jae’s sides. Jae then releases her just for a charged forward smash. Sab bounces off the ropes only to suffer another string of Jayhawks until Sab releases another Minnie Gun. In the fourth round, Jae amends the Buttermaker by scaffholding Sab’s head instead and laying it heavy on the other side of the face. After Sab escapes, she tries multiple times to get the Minnie Gun to work but Jae has new defenses. One time she just grabbed Sab, another she turtled (showed her back) or defends with a Jayhawk that may luckily trip Sab. At this point, they were completely gassed, now their mutual masturbations could only last 5 strokes before they collapsed. In the final round, Jae tries to lay early pressure but this time Sab keeps her head low and hands defensive, only punching for an appreciate counter punch with one hand instead of both so the other was defending. She had lots of meter left and uses two Minnie Guns after another although Jae hugs the second one. Eventually, Sab cannot land any more attacks as Jae paces around her and reconstructs her face. Finally, Sab finishes the match with an updated Minnie Gun aimed completely at the body so Jae lowered her guard. Then Sab finished the move with a charged forward smash to the face sending Jae across the ring.
“Charlie, when you see Sabrina smiling like that, is that the spirit of Minnie Mouse?”
“No, I think that’s the onset of a concussion if I had to take a guess.”
Jae is judged to be winner which is true. Charlie is correct in saying that Sabrina inhumanly remained tall despite every the disproportional damage she took but I think Jae was just better at regaining her stamina for the final round. Jae did incredibly slow down after the second round but so did Sabrina whose fastest punches did nothing and her strongest punches did not always land. Jae then calls out Yungelderberry for the next Clash.
“Dad” Nathan Barnatt v “Starkiller” AB (H3H3); Battle Across the Millenium
The Dad is back along with AB. They didn’t fight each other last year but hopefully AB can last longer against Dad. He did have a good effort against Hundar, if you remember. Dad is always excited to fight and AB tells us he has the force of two punches for every punch. Bro is trying to be Yuji Itadori.
In the preshow Esfand interview, Dad displays interdimensional teleporting and claims his match will even be quicker this time as a casual exercise. This man is HIM. “Dad is as organic as it gets”. If you don’t remember, Dad was truly crazy, I do bet on him winning due to his overwhelming excitement and endurance. How the hell do you have both. According to popular vote, Dad would win low diff.
In the real Esfand interview, Dad just clobbered Esfand for fun. “Unfortunately, AB could drink all the PCP on the planet and it will do him no good against Dad’s Quantum Fists!” Holy shit I’m so fucking scared actually, that brought tears to my eyes. For the Amouranth interview, AB shows no fear but can’t bark as loud. Hmph hmph hmph hmph.
Coming out much colder this time is Dad barking with a black towel draped over his head. Then he just sprints down to the ring and jumps in as if he was limitless. Then he does the no bones dance potentially summoning the energy of every dimension to Tampa Bay Florida. AB comes out in a blue flames robe looking chill as hell.
AB is prepared to deal with Dad’s first special, the Intergalactic Emperor which had destroyed Dad’s last opponent in 22 seconds. AB’s response is to remain tall and throw punches inbetween and keeping arms back for defense. Like this, Dad ends up chasing the man but as he slows down, he throws in a few taunts before the squabble for a bit more with high energy. Sparks flying, portals opening and closing between the two until they gas out with a minute to go. At this point they try some desperate grabs and punches. Here I can study Dad’s technique as an overreliance on hooks, probably because he’s reaching for energy across the solar system. AB remains straight and hooked with less effectiveness.
In the picture of the fight, you can see this is just after AB threw a missed hook and then landed a second, not accounting for Dad’s timestop where he charged a hook punch of his own. Because of this and many other body shots, AB actually quit after the first round. I was screaming because this is announced just after we hear Dad’s couch consoling him that he does not have to win round 1. I guess Dad didn’t want to hear that and fixed the timeline so AB quit. And THAT is the Quantum Fist.
In the post match talk, Dad calls out the entire WWE organization because despite being aware of him, they have been ignoring him or his previous challenges. He throws shade at Ian and then challenges Nexpo for next year. For a man who can travel time, he set up a lot of homework for himself.
William Haynes v Chris Ray Gun; the Minority Fight
Wait a second, Will is just a funny little guy. Damn. Will’s coming from Oakland and Chris from LA. Will has recently gotten into watching boxing while Chris wants to rely on wearing his glasses, “you wouldn’t beat a guy with glasses”. Chris is voted to win extreme diff.
This is a superfeather weight fight which I guess I never thought about before. Being black, Will has an endurance buff. Chris Ray Gun is one of those big names that I have just never learned about, interestingly. Chris says he’s trained 40 years for this which meant he spent 40 different days in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber after overcoming the challenge of climbing the Korin Tower which is really outstanding. He’s Boriken giving him a buff toward fucking nothing, what are Puerto Ricans good at? He has called himself a demon though, so let’s see something Urameshi.
Will walks out with several Avengers (holy shit he trained with Natasha) with the Idris Elba beard. Chris come out with Hispanic music and a red on blue robe. “Chris has the spirit of all short men all there,” Charlie says as the challengers do have a difference of 6 inches.
The first round is the first so far where both fighters aren’t raring to go per say as they cool approached and attacked each other. Forced to stay low, Chris used straights while Will used an assortment of punches, his south paw hooks having the least accuracy. There would be times where Chris lost his guard for a moment and Will uses Game&Watch (he basically puts Chris in a cutscene as he freely beats away as Chris gets to watch) leaving a series of hooks in Chris’s face and body. He towered over him as he did this which just doesn’t look good. He was able to this twice in the first round but only towards the end on the second round. Leading up to that moment, they relied more on broken strong punches rather than just acting widely like other fighters so far. Their stamina loss was steady and damage taken was fair. Finally, Will finished the match with another Game&Watch landing 14 charged blows in ~10 seconds. Shit was cold with his bored face.
The ref would call the match in Will’s favor accurate to Wade Plemons’ prediction that someone would fall early in this match. “I came here to take ass and bring names and I’m all out of bubblegum bitch! Thank you ho,” he says, “I couldn’t do non of this shit without all the lines of hoes and niggas that love me. I love you hoes, niggas, Jews (?)”.
“RIP” Mika Midgett v Alanah “the Fierce” Pearce; Goddess of War
How do you spawn in with the last name midget and then grow to be 5’9′? And we got the white haired Aussie Alanah coming in from Rooster Teeth! Well…not anymore that company’s kind of in the shitter. Mika’s Texan so there isn’t much a difference between them physically. Alanah has like the training while Mika has converted to the practice of Gymbro. Mika is voted to win mid diff.
Apparently her and Mika are friends but Alanah is chill coming in and Mika a mix of nervous and confident. “Remember you’re fighting, no other f word, you’re fighting,” Esfand warns Mika. Her response doesn’t help. She comes out in a leather jacket with triumphant music. Alanah comes out with a fur belt around her chest, a bright winged cheerleader, and intimidating music. Alanah did help develop God of War: Ragnorak so this is a cool reference. Mika being a horse girl gives her a boost in spatial awareness and some physical strength. Kratos has unfortunately bestowed all his abilities on Alanah.
The two begin with a slow approach but Alanah decides to use her meter, “Spartan Guerilla” laying a thirty second long siege of punches on Mika’s head, most of them landing on her forehead, I noticed. I feel like that is intentionally giving her a concussion but I don’t know shit. Alanah does use this move once per round regardless of the vibe. Afterwards, Mika is barely able to respond, staying defensive and keeping her eyes to the ground almost. She gets blocked consistently with Alanah appropriately disciplining her. She does land one good punch but it doesn’t do enough. She begins the second round with a good forward smash but Alanah just unleashes Spartan Guerilla again. Charlie mentions that Mika’s stance is better and Alanah’s punches aren’t exactly world shattering but I don’t think Alanah wants to give her a coma. Her punches are always on the mark…toward the end of the second round, they really slow down and now pace their attacks more equally but again Mika doesn’t land as much. I didn’t realize, Alanah also has the ability Intimidate as she stands tall with an always forward face. This should all be flawed since she is also so slow (her coach points out) but its just not getting broken by Mika. In the third round, Alanah seems extra stoic while Mika is able to break through and land some heavies and then Alanah just uses Spartan Guerilla again. From nwo though, they last shorter as Mika uses her speed to escape them. In the fourth, they truly slow down taking 5-7 second breaks between bouts where Mika lands the harder shots. In the final round, Alanah releases another SG while Mika just avoids it and taunts her with a kiss. In the final moments, Mika lets Alanah chase as she fired sniper punches that were 50% blocked by an exhausted Alanah. Unfortunately only 20% of Alanah’s punches landed well in this encounter.
Alanah is voted, in a split, to be the winner. I will say, I think Mika was just psyched out by the Intimidate, and so that’s why she was a late bloomer in the battle.
Myth (Fortnite) v “Hundar” Brett Hundley; Ursa and the Lord of Death
Myth keeps surprising me at the events he attends. Here we have the “looks like Kratos” Hundar returning to the Clash and I am scared for Myth’s life. It looks like Myth would win high diff.
When asked what he was going to show, Myth responded “violence”. I did watch Myth’s fight in Ludwig’s Chess boxing and he was decent but I don’t remember his style or anything. Today he’s wearing skeleton themes shorts and gloves and came in relaxed. Then Brett coms out wearing the skin of Chewbacca with badass music. With this Beast power up, Brett probably has all his stats boosted.
First round, Myth scales the peninsula to meet Brett straight up although is pushed off. They trade a few blows until Myth unleashes “Game&Watch” allowing him to punch Brett’s body and soul. Brett responded with Bear Body defending his head and core at once but the rest of his body surely took lots of damage. Following that, the two slowed a peg to land a few heavies although Brett was mostly defensive. he tried to also parry punches (this is not that type of video game) to land critical counters but doesn’t find the accuracy needed. Myth remains on pressure chasing the bear. Myth eventually landed a critical on him, sending Brett to the grave.
The ref declares Myth winner by TKO which he says was “EASY!”. “I’m sorry it was only one fucking around,” right before mocking an execution as an emote.
tdwriter 
