Cherdley makes a cameo, does anyone else think he’s sus? He’s been a skit guy for years but I feel like there has to be something ominous about it. Anyways, he is the world’s strongest defeated boxer with a protection of two goons. Crash fucking Bandicoot (SSBU) one shots his two friends before babyshaking Cherdleys himself. That was brutally gory for no reason.
“Yodeling” Haley Sharpe v “Blood Stained” Marisha Ray; the Hobgoblin
Haley was that tiktoker coming in from last year where she got obliterated by the Irish Minx. She was still good herself so I hope she fares better against the middle aged Marisha. Marisha was apparently hyped up by her fanbase to be able to crush the little girl although Haley has not lot her hunger for that dub. Haley is projected to curbstomp Marisha.
In the Esfand interview, Haley seemed a bit nervous although I would say her brain is in a state of expectation. She really was okay with losing but refocused on training this year. Now knowing what to expect, she expects to do better. Marisha is proud and ready to go with her blood splatter uniform.
Haley comes out in a sparkly green, white and blue robe to a Dungeons and Dragons song. Marisha comes out more energetically with a follower holding a long black sword. Mari being a D&D player gains a luck buff while Haley’s experience allows her to be over leveled in comparison.
With all of the experience points she gained, Haley seems to have invested into the Goblin skill tree which was something Minx used on her. Haley is still wiser than her though, not fully adopting the Goblin Mode and instead taking the power, critical hit chance, and speed boosts. With this she unleashes the Yellowhammer, a series of vicious straights (rather than the hooks of Minx), allowing her to crazily damage Mari. This is in between Haley already pressuring Mari with very powerful and accurate straight punches toward the body and head whenever there’s a whole. Last year, I would’ve said that Haley was smarter than Minx but now Haley is just showing off. Honestly, all Mari can do is remain low in defense and punch whenever she got close. Her other defenses included hugs and there was one moment where she is able to hold Haley and lay a few side punches. Haley though is able to parry, block, and space herself evenly to avoid most stuff. I also have to compliment her stance as it’s wider than some of the other fighters. In the second round, the two rely on more sniper attacks but Mari has to also hug Haley for defense which gets instruction from the ref. Haley then lets go of this tactic for more heavy punches with the technique Buster Wolf. This comes from Terry Bogard (Fatal Fury) where you stun the opponent with a weak straight before blowing them up with a strong straight. Haley truly used most of her exp on this considering she used it several times to finish the round. Mari did interrupt the move with her own attacks but still took the full damage. In the third round, Mari is grasping at straws–and Haley’s waist– in-between Haley’s Falcon Punches and Buster Wolves. There’s one point where Mari just takes three fully charged forward smashes from Haley and we should commend her for being able to stand up after that. In the fourth round, Mari add more defense to her palate by holding her fists in between Haley and herself. Haley can of course swing around this with Goblin Hooks and deliver just as much damage. As Haley gasses out (Mari is beyond gassed) she does get sloppier. Towards the end of the round, both of them are fumbling and missing all over the place. The audience received more blows. Final round, Mari considered attacking the body while Haley fires at the head. They continually clinch each other with Mari remaining energized. I realize now that Mari simply can’t land head blows with Haley always ready to parry those while she disregards body shots. Mari gets close with a few heavies for a good finish to the match.
By the judges, the winner is unanimously Haley Sharpe. “I want a Krispy Kreme!” I will note, the only reason Haley survived last year was because of her own endurance against the Irish Goblin so it didn’t matter how many bars Mari had, she was not outlasting this Alabamer.
Arin Hanson v Jarvis Johnson; Hard-boiled Giants
Arin coming back from last year still in the heavy weight along with new Jarvis. According to Arin, he got really good at boxing by training for…boxing. He’s gonna win. It looks like Jarvis could win at an extreme diff.
In the Esfand interview, Arin states “what happened last year happened last year and I have made peace with it so if we could all forget” and then Esfand kept asking about last year lmao.
Coming out with costumed teammates was Arin in a white and pink robe in a sailor style. Jarvis comes out all chill in a black and gold robe as baby keem yells in the background. Hold on, Arin wipes front to back, this gives his chaos stat a crazy boost.
You know how in DBZ fights, there will be sonic booms whenever characters clash? This was what the first round was like as the two bombed each other excessively as if they only wanted to fight one round. Arin’s attacks lasted longer as Jarvis became more defensive and cornered but he’d throw punches out too. What’s crazy is how each punch from the two were charged and they barely broke for a second. And they took damage but recovered quickly to strike the other again. This was heavy, doc. Round 2 is the same although Jarvis almost calls out of the ring and is much more defensive. This was the Arin we missed last year. With Jarvis turtling, Arin’s blows mostly went to the arms. This siege weakened them toward the end of the round as he could hardly hold them up.
Arin was declared winner as the ref stopped the match offering mercy to Jarvis. “I’m gonna crack open a bottle of red wine,” he says ending up to be the most hard boiled of these two giants.
“Daredevil” Michelle Khare v Andrea Botez; The Triple Dog Dare Gambit
Don’t know about Michelle but what is this chess nerd doing here? She was in Ludwig’s Chess boxing but I thought she’d stop there. Andrea is projected to win at an easy diff, oh no.
Andrea states she’ll fight as long as her mom allows her and promises she won’t get hit in the head. For Michelle, Tony hypes her up a lot as he met her during training. Andrea may have an IQ boost from Chess along with charm for being the extroverted twin. Being Canadian does nerf all her stats. She comes out with lots of security and the stupid Crazy Frog song. Michelle, cheerleaders perform before Gothamchess comes out in his pink suit and then she finally comes out in a black and teal robe. Akinolla announces Khare as a bit of a Kick Buttowski, a Rod Kimble, an Evil Knievel, “Youtube’s Daredevil”?? Holy shit, her chaos stat must be crazy.
Khare starts the matching like Bounceman Luffy while Botez fights from far away with sniper punches and counterstrikes. The two slowly take turns throwing their specialty punches, staying mobile and loose. While they are both far away, the reason Botez is a sniper is because Khare seems to always close in for a shotgun while Botez seems to keep the distance even when attacking. Only on a parry to counterstrike does she close in. The two also love throwing meteors that have always missed so far. Towards the end of the round, Botez leads Khare to the ropes before trying to punch her but being for to grip as Khare buries her body blows on the sides. In the second round, Khare and Botez dance around again, testing each other until Khare lays in a Close Combat. I do see also here the clash in fighting with a similar style as they both duck for strikes although Khare uses the meteors more frequently bringing her closer to the style of a sniper. In the third round, Khare’s Close Combat lasts long enough that the ref has to pause it but Botez should try to find a defense against it as she’s hopeless against scaffolding. Khare does gain an edge testing out more meteors and laying more heavy blows while Botez only throws out baits. Botez’s coach mentions that Khare’s meteor is “trash, it’s TRAAASH” I giggled too much. For the fourth round, I’ll mention that they finally started to slow down but not completely or consistently. Also near the end, Khare uses her meteor as a fake to lead to a charged south paw pushing Botez against the rope and then she combo’d with Close Combat laying some damage on Botez’s side, energy out of nowhere. Final round, the two are rejuvenated and double tap each other. The two do start gassing out in-between bouts, losing their stances, but still then bring a lot of energy in the exchanges. Finally, when Botez unwarily got close enough Khare landed a Devil Meteor which probably skull-rocked Botez but she doesn’t react to it. A Close Combat and several more straights leave Khare in the lead as Botez can only push her back and maybe to a 50% straight. They would punch each other to finish the match but Khare’s was definitely stronger.
All judges found Michelle Khare to be the winner. Chill says to her, “you had more combos than McDonalds out there” which is a great summation of her style.
Leonhart v “Crankgameplayes” Ethan Nestor; Soft-Boiled
Mark and Jack love Ethan and are supporting him as proud parents. “He also just had a kid”, Jack says. “HE did?? That must’ve been so hard on him…” Mark says, I need him to stop lmao. Leonhart is project to win at an extreme diff.
Ethan wants to give birth in the boxing ring… He’s wearing an amaranth (color) and black robe. Leon is wearing a periwinkle robe with black and red accents along with the Pokémon Fighting type symbol. Being a Pokemon player does not actually impact stats (except for Typing) but he is Texan so a chaos buff, strength buff, and endurance buff. Leon comes out to the iconic Pokémon theme song sung live. Ethan comes out to loud cheering as fans remember Unus Anus.
In the first round, Ethan takes the first turn testing out attacks until they clinch. Then Leon takes his turn until they clinch again. From here, they have more regular bouts but are basically taking turns like this was Pokemon. Leon loses accuracy due to Ethan’s agility making him able to duck under anything. Leon is also overall slower which both Tony and Charlie point out. Second round is still a bit sloppy for Leon (despite his coach’s passion) because he immediately clinches in the middle of Ethan’s attack. Ethan tries to gain momentum with a few disconnected flurries and hammers. Ethan does knock Leon down but by the back of his head which is illegal. Ethan does like to lay in close range meteors and shotguns that Leon’s defense guide to the back of his head, his back, or the sides if Ethan also lowered. Third round, Ethan starts with a Falcon Punch nearly knocking Leon over. Then Ethan uses “Game&Watch” beating Leon into the ground, “he said thank you for shopping but the store is closed!”
Ethan is given the victory as the matched is stopped by the ref. Ethan plans to take a vacation although Charlie calls him ruthless.
John “the Mayor of Slamtown” Hennigan v Harley Morenstein (Epic Meal Time); The Slamjam
John is an ex WWE wrestler (jaw dropped) and Harley returning from last year. John I think is one of the oldest here at 43. Being heavyweights, I imagine this was the fight causing all the earthquakes in Florida that Sunday. Harley is projected to win at high diff.
Now in his promo, John does say that despite how good of a wrestler he may be, boxing is not his thing so Harley may have an edge there. He comes out lead by “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan (WWE) yodeling and a song probably titled “Daddy’s gonna kill you”. He wears a white fur coat. Then Harley, dressed as Solid Snake, appears from within the crowd. He comes down the steps with a heavy air of menacing kanji.
The first thirty seconds is a test of range between the two but John is more offensive, laying in a flurry and taking Harley on a ring around the rosy. Harley remains on the defensive as John lays in a couple of heavies. Harley has a perfect turtle defense letting these do no damage to him. Towards the end, John gets the chance trap Harley against the ropes with a jab flurry causing Harley to fall over and roll out off the stage! Harley was fine, able to jump into the next round with two jabs before getting toured around the stage by nine or ten punches from John. Harley’s then throws his own punch that John disappears under giving Harley the chance to escape while John counters with a punch that misses. John corners Harley again just to beat up the cameraman. Then they test each other until John can finally land a Falcon Punch making Harley spin. “You best better believe in ghost stories, cause you’re in one” says Charlie, did he practice these? Then next round starts with another round the world chase from John to Harley. Harley has gassed even with his turtles defense as John lays a massive siege causing the two to collapse on each other. The round finishes with John landing a few more good hits. In the final round, John gives Harley one last tour of Slamtown and knocks him down with just 5 medium punches.
“I haven’t cried since I was born but I’m about to start crying here,” Charlie says while Wade exclaims at the incredible athleticism shown here.
Due to the referee stopping the match, John is declared winner by TKO. John shares his respects with the dead (lie) Harley and then moves on to show zero respect for “Jake Paul, bleh, Logan Paul, bleh! The Paul Brothers make me sick! Overnight tough guys, the entire Misfits boxing promotion, they are ALLLL the SHITS! So when I’m trying to think about who to call out, Jake, Logan? No! Jake got beat. Logan got beat, by KSI…which is why I’m going to put KSI on BLAST right now!”
Harley then declares revenge on John in wrestling as a sore loser.
tdwriter 
