Augustus Particus
Lizzo’s Big Fuss: as a relief, God and his writing team threw Twitter a funny bone to chew on. Three backup dancers for Lizzo came out with a lawsuit against her. Melissa “Lizzo” Viviane Jefferson of Houston has become a popular name among female black artists. I don’t know her songs of the top of my head. One thing that made her stand out against Beyonce or Cardi B, for example, was her weight. Not in a bad way, she had a body positivity angle towards it allowing a movement to stop hating fat women to blossom across the States. That might actually confuse foreigners since they see all of us as obese. Then, these dancers come out and have a long list of offenses from Lizzo while working with her, which includes making fun of their weight! The irony was a God delivered treat. According to rumors, the quote was that the dancers were specifically too overweight to be dancing with her. I mean, I guess every ocean can only fit so many whales. While she rejects the claims, more ire comes against her as allegations continue. She was also sexually assaulting these people, what a banger. Since these are actual lawsuits and not just allegations, there will probably be a conclusion in the next two years.
The Manhateen Monster Mash: Hey, remember Kai Cenat? I think I mentioned he lived in one of the economic centers of the planet, New York City. Well, a guy has got to celebrate all of his current success by giving out a couple of PlayStation 5s. His intention was to do street interviews with fans and if they answered correctly: PS5. So he invited his fans on stream to meet him on Union Square in a city with 8 million people. Out of that total population, every black male spawned on the street like a flash mob. While Kai and his gang were initially excited by the fans, how the hell were they going to do their challenge? Still, Kai insists some consoles were given out. Like the anchovies from Spongebob, the gang seemed to multiply by the second and then they started to obliterate. Union Square would literally be blocked off as these hoodlums started to just blast their disgusting rap music across the pavement. Warden Wayne’s spidey senses rang as the thugs broke apart cars and raided stores but he was powerless to stop them. Soon, the NYPD had to lay siege to the Lisztomania. There would be some fights and some arrests. By now, Kai and his entourage dipped as it got far too crazy for them to even handle. I remember seeing Kai trying to shout at the sea of negroes to settle down. He was like Chris Pratt taming the blue raptors. Then he let it slip that the contest might continue and they got into an unceasing uproar again, those monkeys. Now I gotta stop. Photos were released online of cars flipped over and the general craziness of it. I remember one clip where a kid said he didn’t even know why he was there, he just likes to party. The rampaged continued as this hit national news. The antiquated news casters could barely grasp to understand Kai’s persona but found the chaos highly inappropriate. They also reported it as if Kai’s intention was for mayhem. Even if not that, the NYPD took to charge Kai of the crime ‘inciting a riot’. News would also hit up Kai’s mom, much to his displeasure. In a stream afterwards, Kai berated his chat for acting in such a way as he genuinely wanted a safe and fun environment. He didn’t even like the event after all. Now he’s got court dates so he wouldn’t be able to stream for a little while. On the internet, since we are more aware of him than the Gen x on tv, some shared their general displeasure of Kai and others hated the Mongol-like teens. Considering the venue was open air, there was never any hope of controlling a crowd above 50. In retrospect, he should’ve just visited the mall and done a surprise giveaway thing. People would still come as soon as the first person tiktoks him.
Alabama Bros Brawl: another blessing for twitter this month. Throughout the reign of Musk, tweeters have complained at the rising encounters with violent, gore, or torture videos but I’ve missed out on this. God Bless. This video would drop on twitter in 3 parts with a much more positive reception. It was also dropped in media res until a day later, it was reshared in a complete form. Before the fight, there seemed to be an argument with the black co-captain of Harriot II and white owner of an unnamed boat. That unnamed boat was occupying the place on the dock for Harriot II which was a genuine problem. So much so, the co-captain retrieved a dock assistant to move the other boat. Before they could, the other boats crew attacked. The black co-captain famously threw his cap into the air as he got assaulted from both sides. The first attacker would be strangled by this man while the other came charging in with Double Edge. They piled on the ground as a white couple watched and then another black man broke up the initial fight. A kid, later nicknamed Aquaman, had swam across the river to get involved in the situation although I lose track of his feats. A pink shorts dude was able to escape the grasp of the co-captain. He walked off but was followed until his female friend tried to stop the sailor. The sailor momentarily beat her until he was held off. Good thing, he was gassing already. Another two black men came down and defeated the rest of the white people in quick succession. Eventually, authorities came in and the Harriot II won their place back. The gang was well celebrated by twitter, there were memes made about the man’s hat and a chair that was used in the fighting. A song was written about the scenario that apparently became viral. There was also somehow a racial element here and while Alabama can be racist, it was a boat stuck in the water full of mixed people vs one white family.
Planet of the Bass: Kyle Gordon is an American comedian based in the NY area. As apart of a new bit, he would get into the character of DJ Crazy Times who would start a Eurodance career. With that, he wrote a song by the same name and dropped snippets of its music video on his social media. It would plague twitter for all August. As a call back to 90’s Eurodance, it was a bit nostalgic and then the broken english was just enough spice to entice tweeters. It also spread on tiktok and other sites but I was most reminded on twitter. One smart tactic of this marketing was that every few days, he released a new verse of the song which people would get stuck to. Memes would be made from repeating or parodying the choice words of DJ Crazy Times. Another tactic was the use of two different models throughout the video. The first girl was well liked while the second girl only made people feel unsatisfied. Accordingly, she did not fit the vibe as much as the first girl. Upon the return of the first girl, the tweeters started to ship her and DJ Crazy Times heavily although there was still positive feedback for the other girl. Eventually, he released the whole music video which would end the meme on a high note. I will note one other thing, the guy is American but because he was otherwise unfamous, I’m pretty sure everyone was convinced he’s European. Like Swedish or something. Nobody uses the internet for information anymore.
iShowMeat: I mentioned, iShowSpeed as the young ally of Kai Cenat before. He is one of the youngest streamers at his level of fame. His streams are also like a party but he does mostly rely on gaming and screaming nonsense while playing said games. During one of his rage fits, his meat slipped out. His penis. The boy only recently reached maturity. His chat and Speed immediately recognized the slip up which only brought attention to it. Twitch did not ban him for nudity (foreshadowing) but it was a funny joke for the weekend. “Yo someone said I show meat” was a comment in every tiktok related to the incident.
Maui Barbeque: as apart of the Global Warming DLC Event, wildfires! But on the volcanic island of Maui! A high pressure system on the Hawaiian islands forced arid air to stick around. A nearby hurricane increased the pressure while also sending winds that would fan the flames which spawned in the town of Lahaina. A multitude of fires would divide the forces of the fire fighters while more and more spread. A Fire Force reader’s worst nightmare, I imagine. One spawned by the airport, others burned away electrical services, another fire crossed the highway burning cars on the way, the Waiola Church would go down, and many other structures went down causing a total damage of 3 Barbie movies (~6 billion). Jogoat went crazy. The human cost is much worse with at least 100 people dying, at least 67 injured, and 4 missing. Since Jogoat already took down communication services, the highly advanced siren and alert system of Maui was unavailable and online warnings of the situation seemed to not receive much attention. So people went into work on the streets not knowing the fire burned up until their cars were in flames. There would be reports of these Hawaiians leaping from their cars into the sea. One could imagine dozens of humans in the warm ocean (a hot El Nino this year 😀) looking above to see pillars of fire burn everything. One fire was an acre in size. Many burned in their cars or homes. The fires also did not remain in Lahaina alone but spawned in Olinda, Kula, and Pulehu; Jogoat is a traveler. Other civilians would be evacuated from the island of Maui until the disaster subsided. Online, theories and gossip spread around about the fire. Some were crazy and others were very salty. I remember one report on some bird related website that Oprah Winfrey’s estate on the island was completely undamaged, and apparently she rejected to help escapees. That’s the only one I saw. But um the only eyewitness also burned. Whoops.
Trumped by Law: the already introduced 45th President of God’s United States of America, “MAGA Emperor” Donald John Trump Sr of New York City would be found in great trouble with the law. Before and after his presidency, he had been committing various crimes so being promoted to President would mean a greater insight to his life. His presidency was also considerably lucky for the Republican Party as they really truly have no one else to promote before and after Trump. They would need him to continue to carry the party but his baggage would resist any such assistance. First was his promotion of a forced turnover of his failed election. He spent all 2020 attacking mail-in-voting (despite Republicans living in rural areas needing it) and then the Sleeper won because enough of his supporters either mailed or brought in their votes. So there must’ve been voter fraud and a small army of Magatards raided the Capitol to kill Electors not willing to vote for Trump. The attempted coup/insurrection failed in a few hours as they did not have a plan and only heart. The Electorate was safe, a police man killed one of the attackers, and they had taken videos of them committing to shenanigans within the capitol building. Trump promoted this attack from his twitter. It would be brought into question by the general countrymen if he really started the insurrection and if it was one. Months later, there would be consequences in Trump losing his Twitter account and criminal charges brought against the insurrectionists. During 2022, Trump would start rallying again along with founding a new social media, Truth Social, where he posted less than funny things when compared to his twitter career. The Republicans ran with their idea that the previous election was a big lie among other issues. Trump would bring investigations to himself when it was revealed he kept classified documents in his Florida estate, Mar-A-Largo. After this would begin a long effort from several entities to sue Trump throughout 2023. New York State found 34 felonies for him, he would be indicted with 31 counts in federal court, Fulton County of Georgia found him for election fraud, and Elizabeth Jean Carroll accused him of sexual abuse (take a drink) and defamation. The man was a super criminal the likes of which the Oval Office has never seen. In the political sphere on the internet, there was a lot of memes making fun of Trump during certain appearances such as his “they indicted me” comment. Another comes from his New York trial as his judge was found to be entertaining by twitter and Trump acted like a big baby in interactions with him. Avid support from his base never waned but more realistic republicans did want to distance themselves from him. Trump has always lived in legal jeopardy so of course he is still running for president. It should be noted that he would be able to win from within a prison although the Constitution has no procedure for what happens next. Ironically, no inmate can vote from jail (and currently, Floridians are deciding whether to change that in their state). And those in Colorado are also trying to change the idea that an inmate should be President although Trump hasn’t failed yet. Next year is the election year so it is the last year his tomfoolery could save or hurt him.
tdwriter 