Fumbling into February
Seth the Pedophile Keemstream: Holy shit, the worst weekend of my life. Everyday I came home from work, put on Europa Universalis 4, and put this stream on the side for maybe two hours before falling asleep. For like three days because the stream was SEVEN HOURS LONG! And I don’t even remember anything. I was going to write an article about it at the time but I decided to not write notes it would be evident why one hour in. Anyways, Seth the Programmer was a debate bro in the powerscaling community. He’s been active on Google+, Youtube, Reddit, and other sites where heathens measure the strength of Son Goku against whatever character. He was relatively popular considering that among the online weeb cliques, powerscaling was still pretty niche. And I would know, it was rude idiots like him who took the discussions too seriously and treated his friends and followers too harshly that caused ire between powerscalers and the more casual fandom. Then his ally recently turned enemy Clyde released an expose detailing how shitty Seth was. There were claims of him grooming minor fans and laundering money for an animation project between Seth and Clyde. That side of the Internet froze waiting for Seth’s inevitably angry reply. But highly acclaimed journalist smelled the drama from up high. “Drama Alert” Keemstar summoned the two in a voice call along with another powerscaler PackGod. Other powerscalers were temporarily invited such as Swagkage, Noodles, and others. Lucky to even remember these guys. Also Keemstar’s pretty girlfriend was visibly present- FOCUS. Anyways, despite how cordial the first maybe 5 or 10 minutes were, by the end of the first hour, I knew this was gonna be funny. Just already, during the hour, Seth and Keem got comfortable with each other (in a funny way). As it continued, witnesses would be asked to come forward and speak their truth while Keem skeptically inquisitioned their honesty. Some of the guests were anti-Seth and few were pro. I think just two. Whenever Clyde or Noodles spoke, Seth got so loudly defensive that eventually Keem just muted him. if it wasn’t his turn. PackGod honestly sat back since he was neutral and lacked information in the situation but his Devil Advocate ability was honestly stronger than Keem’s. A few men cried during the stream, not me, but their were sad stories of mental abuse of Seth on to his own friends. Many men laughed in this stream as their were many funny freak outs and villainous rants throughout the stream. It was through watching the stream that people saw how bad Seth’s debate tactics were in real life rather than the keyboard where he could write a consistent article. At least twice, they caught him admitting to texting minors but he was fine with it because he’s not super old and its not a crazy age gap. They also had him retcon his own memories. Very early on, he states he never knew Clyde was suicidal but (I think after hour 4 or something, he’s broken) later on he admits he did know Clyde was suicidal when he drew a picture of Clyde in a noose. Alongside this, Seth kept edging Keem’s powerlevel. Keem was interrupted repeatedly, screamed at by this man on his own show, and frustrated by Seth’s Murky Truth domain so much so that he unleashed Legendary Super Gnome mode on the Programmer. After that, and by the end of this call, Seth was just here fighting Itachi grade delusions such as not having enough allies invited and the worse possible logic. Eventually, 7 hours of shouting finished and Keem declared that Seth should just be excommunicated from the Internet. Nothing else would suffice. Luckily I haven’t seen him since.
By the way, this is the third sexual assault allegation recorded here. Good GOD help.
Bloons Tower Defense, Sino Edition: February passed by pretty quietly as Americans looked to the sky and found nothing….oh hey, there’s that balloon again. Anyways, big controversy would spawn from the general public and news media fearmongering about freaking spy balloons. According to China, this was simply a weather balloon that they use to study the meteorology of their greatest ally. Weather effects kinda don’t impact the greatest country on earth though. Now the fearmongering came from the idea that China was obviously spying and taking a look at our fortification and weapon stores. I mean they could, we’re still goated. Due to an allusion from China and people looking closely at the matter, the wider public also discovered that China and others are always flying balloons. Now it was a major security breach. I get it. Online, chat just made a few memes about how bad Biden is at BTD. The balloons flew coast to coast with no issue. Bro doesn’t even have a dart monkey on the board yet. Bro is sleeping at the keyboard again. By the way, Trump is absolutely a monkey bank and super monkey main. Obama is using the helicopter monkey, the pirate monkey, and the spike mines.
Sasuke vs a Dinosaur: This was a ridiculously funny episode. Speaking of power scaling, there was a month long Boruto arc known as “Sasuke Retsuden” where Sasuke fights a dinosaur. Sasuke Uchiha is a super powerful ninja with various superpowers such as electricity and pyromancy at the weakest. Famous around the internet for being the Lord of Edgelords, everyone knew he is competent. Then the Fraud Watchers came and spotted the episode. These episodes would depict the might Sasuke, who has no kind of disabilities, struggle against a dinosaur and even awe about it’s strength. Every week, on sunday (which is when an episode is released anyway) clips of Sasuke struggling against a dinosaur spread across Twitter faster than the results of the Super Bowl. Everyone negged him and lowered his reputation. It was made worse when the Naruto fans’ rival One Piece fans started to bring up how the Strawhats were currently wiping the floor with dinosaurs in their anime. It was such a funny time.
Anatolian Earthquake: Set to break Anatolia harder than Timur the Lame, the earth shook apart in the border lands of Turkey and Syria at a 7.8 magnitude. This shake matched the earthquake Turkey experienced in 1939 with thousands of aftershocks after the main event. To describe it to the heathen anime fans, it’s what Blackbeard felt just across his face when Whitebeard pinned him down. According to the Richter scale, a six is already very strong. Şehitkamil Quake here could’ve possibly gone farther according to some estimates to the quake. The shaking was echoed throughout the Levant all of the way down to Egypt. Sehitkamil Quake came along with a huge scythe killing nearly 60,000 people and injuring twice that from Turkey and Syria. Now with this tragedy came three quick notes I wanted to mention. As rescue teams fell into the situation, they found many structures were destroyed especially on the Turkey side. So critiques came out attacking the shoddy building quality considering that Turkey tried to advance their construction technology after a pervious earthquake in 1999. President Erdogan then boasted that 98% of the buildings that fell then were built before 1999. So obviously, their technology had advanced :). But no, no count has been done on specifically which buildings have fallen, in any case, if the plates keep slipping, they gotta keep improving. Speaking of Erdogan, the Turkish election for the next President would’ve had to be postponed due to this crisis (a crisis so crisis-y that the Kurds stopped fighting Turkey). But democracy will prevail! And you know, if you think about it, postponing the election is basically usurping the government because the Turkish constitution permits that it is illegal to postpone the election. We don’t wanna commit a crime so the snap election was set to go ahead. The conservative Ottoman-phile Erdogan won over his rival, Kemal Kilicdaroglu from the Republican People’s Party, in a close run-off. Even the regions that got quaked had voted for Erdogan. Now how to make this story America related….oh yeah. remember Syria? In control of America’s monster of the week, Bashar al-Assad. That country was getting sanctioned for the last 11 years and this would’ve been the 12th if they weren’t stopped by humanitarianism. Hell, everyone that liked to be America’s friend also sanctioned Syria until the US let go of the grievances. It was just funny to me that the massive and super lethal earthquake didn’t change anything for the rest of the world and it took accusations of not being humanitarian enough for the US to open up aid. For 180 days. So now, Syria could receive some international support to recover their civilians although they felt that the US didn’t give enough and it was only a passing grade.
Sirona Ryan and the Legacy of Rowling’s Bigotry: This might be a long one, let’s not waste words. Hogwarts Legacy didn’t look that cool. But Potterheads didn’t give a fuck. They’d be able to played a Potter themed Wizards101 in 2023. Now the game was to be release soon and while the trailer was released a while ago, new info came out. Specifically a new character, Harry Potter’s first transgender character, Sirona Ryan. Pronounced Sir-on-a-Ryan. Because they are fucking gay and are a transgirl and love fucking men named Ryan I guess. Now I kind of shrugged at this when folks told me. Many in the liberal-leaning HP fandom disapprove of racialized character names like Cho Chang (an Asian character) and Kingsley Shacklebolt (a black character), although I still never cared. All of her character names have stupid ass puns, can we talk about how dogshit her general writing is? Anyways, considering like 98% of Potterheads are liberal-leaning, LGBT-accepting wizard consumerists, they were angry that they still had to buy the game. Like, yes J.K. Rowling’s bigotry is very disgusting and super disheartening but the game gotta be good. Now you’re a stranger and you’re wondering how bad Rowling could be. Well she wrote the series about a little wizard boy going to a discriminatory school (spawning a new genre of teen novels) who would go on to create allies and friendships across ‘borders’ while defeating the ultimate evil. Many Millenials and Zoomers grew up reading the story and taking the lesson of tolerance to heart. Then more recently, Rowling came out against transgender rights in the British Isle. People called her out to be a TERF or a Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. A feminist who is against men being women. A little bit counterproductive right? Like if a male transitions to female, a TERF wouldn’t recognize that but if a female transitions to male that means that person is a traitor in the gender war. This logic may be untenable. So much so that Social Democrat streamer Vaush recognizes that Rowling is just transphobic and he in fact has never met a feminist that hates trans people or a transphobe that is a feminist. So now the older fans hated the transphobia spilling out of Rowlings mouth and she would rather become infamous as she fought back against these queers on Twitter from her home paid by them. God grants his most popular author her most hater fanbase. Now while she has published new books and Warner Bros tries to remain separate from her, she still gains royalties form any Harry Potter production. That meant fans had her to blame for the suggestion of Sirona Ryan in the game. But maybe she lost a potential 25% of her customers here. I don’t have metrics on people who wanted to buy. I just had friends who said they wouldn’t because her transphobia resurfaced despite how big fans they were. But there was a second phase. Her general transphobia inspired a general boycott across all of Mugglestan. They raised their banners and sat their assses at home instead of making the trip to GameStop. By voting with their wallets, they would be able to dismantle the income of Rowling and she might even have to cave to trans rights. There were gatherings all across Twitter, Tumblr, and the like to get this off the ground. It didn’t fucking matter. Boycotts only work on local industries, not international multibillion dollar franchises. I don’t even think Rowling would’ve notice if she even looked. In two weeks, the game made $850 million in revenue. Bro what kind of economy did they live in to think ‘voting with your wallet’ works? Bafoons. And it seem like my friends that did play enjoyed it very well. I guess maybe at the very least, they raised awareness about Rowling but I repeat, she’s not a TERF. They mathematically could not exist. Just another conservative who can’t write.
Safest Train Derailment in Ohio: “Only in Ohio” has a long winded derivation. There use to be an Internet meme about “can’t have shit in Detroit” that depicted the most devious robberies such as stealing the tires and an engine from a car. More recently, the American state of Ohio became more infamous for being the epicenter of something eerie (a pun for Ohio civilians) and in fact “Ohio will be eliminated” because it was so dangerous. The emergency of Ohio was always vague until people started posting surreal monster horror videos such as a lampost growing legs and menacing a neighborhood. These posters would claim that they couldn’t even look at the Moon in Ohio or that this kind of Lovecraftian nonsense only happened in Ohio. By the time of this year, “Only in Ohio” became used by the child-aged comment section on TikTok to not only refer to a Stand attack but to any instance from hardly weird to the most mundane. Finally, art was brought to real life, as a chemical transport train assailed the town of East Palestine, in Ohio. About a quarter of the train’s cars derailed and crashed in a might explosion since the chemicals were so flammable. Another 12 cars were destroyed by the fire. Day of, people were taking photos of an ominous smoke towering into the sky and then an evacuation order came. First it was just the immediate town but later the area surrounding it even across state lines. Cleaners came in trashing the toxic waste before it could…evolve. Surveyors came in to study the air and found that thousands of fish had died in area. But by the end of the week, the governor assured the civilians could come back since the air was so clean. Ain’t nobody made a move, fearing that both the air and water could still be endangered, especially since the governor recommended bottled water. But eventually, they had to come back, leave the hotels or significant others they were staying with. On the Internet, a few memes spread from this but considering all the refugee posting and potential incompetence of the train, shit wasn’t that funny. The company that ran the train, Norfolk Southern, ran into more issues than a chemical apocalypse. It was investigated that engineers new that the train needed repairs on its axil but it was ignored. In fact, the sensor on the train signalled for a repair right before the derailment. Another Norfolk Southern train derailed once more in Ohio before the end of the month! But no nasty explosion this time. Investigators found that NS just sucks as they have had several derailments since 2021. The governors would accuse the company of profit over safety. The CEO came out to kind of apologize and while he gave some funds for recompense, he promised no long term reparations and so the governors attacked him for negligence. Up in Congress, both parties agreed to new regulations on how much chemicals and how safe they can be when in transit. Hopefully, the horrors of Ohio will be prevented by this measure.
Rise of Prince Kai Cenat: As I have already introduced this kid, I’ll only add in some more information. Outside of Any Means Possible, Kai’s rise in streaming is also due to a critical alliance he made with iShowSpeed. Darren Jason Watkins Jr, aka Speed, is an even younger streamer (born after Spider-Man 2) who can be even louder and crazier than Kai at times. The two are both gamers but last year, they shifted to what I call ‘party’ streams. Broadcasted like normal, these streams could involve anything from simple collabs to celebrity invites. And their clips are always so loud. Both of their relevances were climbing so fast that you soon saw them collabing with xQc (Canadian with his own cadence) and Adin Ross (in competition for dumbest man alive). Dick Clark Productions would grant Kai the title of “Steamer of the Year 2021”. Then in February, Kai saw fit to challenge the Twitch status quo. The state of Twitch could be drafted into three fields; the moderation (government), the streamers (nobility), and chat (peasantry). The Moderation does not work well with streamers all of the time if not just offering a space in the country. So one of the nobility, QTCinderella, started offering royal titles to certain streamers for recognition. Last year, her boyfriend Ludwig Ahgren won not only due to his 31 day long subathon and for his efforts to push to the platform with special projects. In February this year, Kai went on for his own month long subathon which took a LOT more effort than Ludwig’s. Ludwig literally fell asleep for his. Everyday was action packed from Kai as he invited special guests, did crazy stunts and skits, and basically threw parties. All February, my Tiktok feed was well fed by Kai clips and they were genuinely entertaining. If I didn’t have a life like millions of teenagers, I would’ve definitely started watching him. During this campaign, Kai gained about 800,000 new followers gaining a total of 4.6 million by March. Whether his wins the title of king will be seen very soon.
tdwriter 